IN COMMANDO'S VOICE; DT _SLASH_17A_ SLASH_12 DASH DASH.

The first time I heard about Maami Market, I was in the living room where I lay prostrate in front of our muted T.V listening to my elder sister. She had finally, finally graced us with her royal presence after NYSC snatched her from us a whole long year.  

With furrowed brows, I waited expectantly for her version of camp horror stories. 

When it didn't come, I had to ask,

'Is that all?'

 I looked at her, frowning. I couldn't hold myself any longer. 

'You didn't have accommodation problems after camp?'

'Nope. Stayed in corpers' lodge for a month. Then God provided a nice, comfy self contain which I moved into.'

I shook my head. It Could not have been that easy.

'You didn't hate the rules in your corpers' lodge?'  I shook my head. 'You stayed a month for real'. 

I found it hard to believe. With all the stories I had heard, I concluded there was no difference between camp and corpers lodge.

'Corpers' lodge is just as awful' I argued. She waived me off and continued her narration despite my incessant interjections.

'Camp was fun...'  I echoed her in disbelief.

You actually bothered yourself with march past??

My lips hung apart when she entered  the room and reappeared with a notebook filled with scribblings of what she jotted during those four hours booring lectures.

 I rolled my eyes and increased the volume of the T.V.

I was the soon to be otondo corp's member, given  a few years. I didn't look forward to it. Factually I saw it as a distraction. A major bump in my route.

'What about the food?' I asked anxiously. 'Hope my plate would be filled. And hope they won't serve bread. And beans and yam'. 

She laughed. 
'Oshey, presidents daughter. Don't worry you will be given preferential treatment. And yes there would be enough food to appease the G.pee tank in your tummy.'  She assured me.

My swearing in/oath taking ceremony was performed amid heavy downpour.. Soaked to the skin, no better way to put to test my so called water resistant  makeup brands; the whole thing soiled my face. Chanting the NYSC Anthem (under the sun and in the rain), my cap dripping water, I mourned. I mourned my barely a week -old -hair.

If swearing in could be like this, I wasn't thrilled about the remaining days.
I squeezed the water out of my hair, resigned and muttering, three more weeks and a few days to go.

Camp was bad. The drills exhausted me. Sleep was never enough in the first place, to be awoken so early.

I dodged morning parade as often as I possibly could. I was a perpetual visitor to the camp clinic nothing ailed me. However I feigned ill health just to get an exemption slip excusing me from participation in extraneous activities. 

Till a pharaoh that knew no joseph arrived. One of the clinic directors soon suspected fowl play. I knew the game was up.

My uniform was extra extra large. And I found no one to exchange with. The tailor had to fit it twice! Before it 'barely' entered me.

Food ration never ever satisfied me. And I was pissed, really mad at the pranks pulled by fellow corps members assigned  to the kitchen. In front of my very two eyes. A lady serving my platoon pulled out five big pieces of fish out of the cooler and stashed them in her plate. I was too disappointed.

The second week of camp I purged all my bowels out. All the nutrients in my body; protein, fat, carbohydrate, minerals, I purged the whole thing out. And bless me, my khaki uniform refused to size me again. However, I did thank God for Maamy market, that it had toilet facilities.

Third week of camp I contracted severe catarrh. My nostrils blocked. I had to breathe with my mouth.

When my sister called a week after I had said bye bye to camp, and moved to my place of primary assignment to proceed with my life, she had asked me-

' ..so how was it..?'

And dear me, did I rant.

'Camp was horrible!!! Am not sure i would have made it out in one piece if i had stayed just one day more'.

'I truanted early morning parade.

March past, really? 
I had no time for that. My platoon came last anyway so it was as well I didn't bother my pretty head.

SAED. 

No way. What could I possibly learn about any trade in just a few days. 

Okay what I did for my platoon?
 Very simple. I joined the cheering squad.

Carnival.
I was too sick to enjoy it.

'My corpers' lodge.'  

I threw back my head and laughed without mirth.

'sister, sister, let's not even go there'. This time it was my turn to waive it off'.